It seems to me that one of the most common words in our American-English language is "should". We're taught as children what we should and shouldn't do to be good, or to avoid being bad. Life is set up from the start as a game of skill and luck to win good points and avoid bad points. We carry this training with us and evaluate all possible choices according to whether we should or shouldn't, usually unconscious of the subtle subtext of judgment—"If I do it, will I be good?", "If I don't, will I be bad??". Whenever I think or hear from someone else the word "should", my immediate response is "Says who?". We have internalized the adult voices from our childhood and we whip them out regularly to flagellate ourselves and judge our every choice and action. My response is that of a typical rebellious child who doesn't want to do something just 'cause Mom says. As adults, we have finally gained the right and privilege to make our own choices based on what we deem best for us in light of the situation and the well-being of all involved. When we unconsciously continue to wag a judgmental finger in our own direction and guilt ourselves into doing or not doing something, we are bowing down to the "should" and surrendering the power of our own intellect and free will.
I experience the "should" frequently as a single person. There is an unspoken but pervasive belief that in order to find a new partner, one must go out and socialize and participate in any number of activities encouraging contact with other singles: "You should go to that", "I should really get out more", etc. The pressure is strong to force you off the couch, out of your comfort zone, and into uncomfortable and nerve-wracking situations, all supposedly for your own benefit. In thinking over this quandary, I've come to realize that I can't remember meeting someone important to me at an event that I had to force myself to attend. My meetings of previous partners and good friends all occurred in places I was comfortable, happy and typically not trolling for a mate. So I take that information and I refute the "should"... "Oh yeah? Says who? Them? Do they say? Yeah, well what do they know?". When we consider the guidance we receive from the base of our collective common knowledge (them), we often realize that we cannot find any solid wisdom to back up their claims. When we encounter a "should", it is a healthy practice to ask the should to prove itself. "Tell me exactly why you think that's a good idea or a necessity in my life. Prove how that is true." If the "should" doesn't make a compelling argument, you're off the hook. Instead of using "should", I find it useful to ask "Will it help me to...?" or "What is the benefit of...? And how do I know that to be true?". This takes away the judgment of good or bad and evaluates the proposition on it's own merits, free from fear and shame.
As you get to know me you'll see that I have a strong belief in a higher power. I do not believe we are dropped here on this planet on our own to make a life, fend for ourselves, and figure it all out equipped with just the gray mush between our ears. To me, that idea is like powering the sun with a AA battery. I think we exist on an eternal, immaterial plane, which supports us to lead many lives and grow in spirituality and wisdom. I think that cosmic power pervades our existence and is constantly available to provide insight and direction. When we utilize our brains effectively, and keep them from running wild with fear (the root of the "should"), we can tap into the inner guidance that keeps us on track, moving forward in the direction of our destiny. When we are still, quiet, and mindful, we know what is best for us and we make choices based on deep knowing rather than temporary anxiety.
I have been doing an experiment for the last month. I have decided that I will let my inner wisdom guide my every decision. Common knowledge says "Oooh, be careful with that—you'll turn into a sloth". I find that common wisdom draws on fear. It worries that if I let my wisdom be my guide, I will never get off the couch or put down the Cheetos. I find that inner wisdom can also be understood by the name "conscience", which inherently understands all aspects of a situation and does not lead one down a path to oblivion. In my experiment, I inquire within whenever I come to a choice point..."What do I really want to do right now?". This works because I experience a lot of quiet and inner stillness in my life (more easily achieved as a single person!), and I can tap into my inner knowing relatively easily. I always get a response—sometimes it is a bodily perception of feeling tired or energized. Sometimes I get a thought like, "It would be great to have a clean kitchen". But I have found in the past month that when I let my "gut" guide me, I accomplish everything I need to do, I feel happy and peaceful, and I am free from fear. When I make a decision, I do not continue wondering what would have happened if I chose something different. I trust that the decision based on inner wisdom is in line with my ultimate destiny. I believe that the universe is self-correcting and that if my free will leads me down a path which I am not meant to follow, something will happen to get me back on course. But more about that in the "free will" post!
I believe that following my inner wisdom will take me exactly where I want to go in a much more enjoyable and direct way than pushing with guilt and struggling through anxiety to try and make something happen. I will focus another blog on all the good things that are destined to happen in our lives. But for now I will end with the suggestion that abandoning the "should" and the opinion of them in favor of heeding inner guidance, utilizing critical reasoning, and trusting Life as a wise guide is a way to live happily, productively, and peacefully.
some kind words From Karen's clients...