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Tools for Better Living

Neurodivergent Burnout

7/13/2024

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Neurodivergent burnout (also known as autistic or ADHD burnout) is a debilitating condition that can occur when a neurodivergent person has been overwhelmed and operating beyond their capacity for a period of time, to the point where their system is overloaded and cannot be productive at the individual’s normal level. Symptoms vary from person to person, but some common experiences include:

Physical exhaustion
Feeling extremely low on energy, feeling the need/desire to rest and sleep more (or much more) than usual. Anxiety and physical symptoms related to neurodivergent burnout may contribute to insomnia or various forms of disturbed sleep. 

Emotional challenges
Emotions may feel bigger, stronger, and harder to manage. This experience commonly leads to internal discomfort, emotional outbursts, explosive anger, and crippling depression, among other reactions.

Social withdrawal
Neurodivergent burnout is a sign of fully depleted energy stores. With no social battery, people experiencing this type of burnout will likely avoid social situations and pull away from any social interactions that require energy or masking. They may distance themselves from loved ones or stop participating in activities they typically enjoy.

Withdrawal may also be experienced in the form of dissociation, which is a drastic measure for the brain and nervous system to escape the demands of life. Types of dissociation include derealization, depersonalization, maladaptive daydreaming, amnesia, and identity alteration. These experiences are less common and may indicate a more severe episode of burnout. 

Decreased masking
Lower energy stores can lead to less ability to mask and cover up natural tendencies toward stimming, info dumping, dissociating, etc. Sensory sensitivities may be more overstimulating as coping strategies become more difficult to utilize.

Executive dysfunction
A person experiencing neurodivergent burnout will likely have difficulty completing tasks, making decisions, or using skills that were strong at one time. Previously acquired skills such as speech, cognitive abilities, and life management may decline or disappear during burnout.

Neurodivergent burnout differs from work burnout or a major depressive episode in that it is a collapse of the nervous system due to extended stress and overwhelm. Work burnout refers to a form of stress that comes from working hard for a period of time and losing motivation, dedication, or interest in the work, which affects the attitude and productivity of the worker. Taking a vacation or extended break, or changing jobs altogether, typically is sufficient to heal this type of burnout. Major depressive episodes are generally instigated by a difficult event in the person's life that has triggered intense sadness, grief, guilt, or shame. Supportive therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy can often help a person work through the experience and bounce back to their normal level of functioning. Anti-depressant medications are also commonly used in the treatment of depressive episodes.
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Healing from neurodivergent burnout can take weeks to months to a year or more. It is important to create space for the nervous system to heal gently and completely. The best way to recover is to remove oneself from sources of intense stress and enact deep relaxation and elimination of internal and external pressures. The more fully a person can distance themselves from overwhelming demands, the more quickly the healing process will proceed. It is most supportive to have no time expectations, but to create an environment that will support any length of healing process. Psychotherapy can be extremely helpful while recovering, to help work through the incidents and circumstances that lead to the burnout, and to configure life in a way that will help avoid future burnout instances.

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Are you Thriving?

1/19/2024

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I was talking with a client about what it means to thrive. How do you know when you're doing great in life? You don't need to meet all the criteria below to thrive as a human, but here are some measurements to consider.

Thriving starts with wellness, the three main pillars of which are physical, mental, and emotional. 
  • Are you taking care of your body? Do you feel energetic, strong, and healthy?
  • Are you solving problems in a satisfying way? Is your mind stimulated by interesting challenges or creative pursuits?
  • Do you experience enjoyment every day? Do you savor the small delights and let them resonate within you?

The concept of thriving is associated with a plant growing fast and strong. Are you planted in good soil? Do you have the nutrients required for wellness? Do you have access to healthful food, nourishing relationships, and protected living space?

A thriving plant will flourish. How does a thriving human flourish? Do they look great, are they vibrant, do they exude energetic joy?

To thrive can also mean to be successful. Whose standards are you using to judge your success? Feel free to step outside the industrial-capitalist definition. You can succeed at a task, one day at a time, or you might consider your accomplishments to date, as a whole.  Choose your own measure of success. Are you proud as you look back on your life, or hopeful as you look ahead to your future? Are you happy with how you approached life today?

And with the success you enjoy, are you making the lives of others better? Do you share your mental, emotional, creative, and financial wealth with others to create experiences of joyful connection? Do you direct your resources in a way that helps others thrive as well?

By all means, do not compare yourself to celebrities, billionaires, or friends' social media fictions. Those images do not depict the ultimate version of success. Capitalism is a game that can be won, and ultimately there may be one person left controlling all the resources. Let's frame them as a mighty oak surrounded by countless smaller ecosystems thriving away and enjoying the process of being alive, oblivious to the constant strain of the tree trying to stay so large. Life is not a game to be won, but a process to be savored.

Thriving also refers to growing, developing, and building resilience. Do you know more than you did a year ago? Do you have new skills, insights, or dreams?

I think of thriving as extending into your full personhood, knowing who you are, and experiencing your life in a way that feels meaningful and satisfying to you. There are no comparisons—it is irrelevant how other peoples' personhood shows up in the world or feels to them. Your own thriving personhood is unique, authentic, and delicious. 

Neurodivergent Epilogue:
If you consider yourself neurodivergent and don't feel like you're thriving in your current state, be sure to externalize the source of the problem. Can you consider a set of circumstances in which you would be likely to thrive? Perhaps living along in the woods with all your needs for comfort and survival met? Or existing within a socially supportive, non-competitive society where people are free to pursue their passions and interests as a way of supporting themselves and others? Autism and ADHD can present as obstacles to thriving because of the demands and expectations of competitive, capitalistic, achievement-oriented societies that have developed a clear understanding of what it means to be "normal" aka neurotypical, and hold everyone equally to those standards.

​Fuck that. You're not the problem, the system is the problem.
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Living a Balanced Life

11/21/2023

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Modern life is demanding! Beyond striving to survive, achieve, meet goals, and check off all the boxes of a successful life, what is the prize we long for past all the hustle? Peace, relaxation, adventure? Many of us fantasize about vacations, sabbaticals, or retirement—time to finally enjoy life aside from endless tasks and stress. Wouldn’t it be nice if daily life could include a greater balance between pleasure and productivity?

Even at humans’ modern stage of evolution, ensuring our survival still demands the largest proportion of our energy. For Americans, this looks like seeking economic security and securing and maintaining our basic needs. In the remaining hours of the day, we have time for other types of tasks. To live a well-balanced life, we need to find time for four main categories of activities:

Work
Paid or in-kind work, such as homemaking and child-rearing. If you have a wage-sharing partner who works eight hours per day, eight hours of your unpaid labor counts as in-kind work. Activities beyond that belong in the categories of Administration or Other-Care. Be sure to include personal preparation for work, drive time, and overtime hours in the Work category. If you do in-kind work as well as paid work, this category of activity takes up a LOT of your time!

Administration
This category includes all of the invisible labor you complete to simply live day-to-day, such as maintenance of home and possessions, planning, and organizing. We often under-acknowledge the effort it takes to manage all the ongoing tasks of managing modern life.

Self-Care
We need time to care for our body, mind, heart, and soul. A balanced life requires time for relaxation, laughter, hobbies and interests, physical and mental healthcare, nourishment, love, and connection.

Other-Care
This category refers to time spent meeting others’ needs outside of Work and Administration. Supporting friends, caretaking of parents or extended family, caring for pets and animals, and giving to one’s community are examples of other-care activities. These may be enjoyable and nourishing, and/or they may divert significant time from other valuable activities.

A well-balanced life does not require spending the same amount of time on each category. Optimally, you will do something from each category every day which will help you feel accomplished, organized, nourished, and connected. 

It may be helpful to review your current daily activities and assess which categories they belong to. Some people find that the majority of their time goes to work and administration. Might it be possible to put up some healthy boundaries around the time you dedicate to these categories? Or could you delegate some of those tasks to others in a thoughtful way?

Other people realize they spend a lot of time on Other-Care without necessarily realizing how much of their energy is flowing outward. Or perhaps they spend so much time on personal hobbies or interests that their important relationships aren’t being nurtured sufficiently. 

Use the following worksheets to assess the current state of balance in your life. You may find that implementing new boundaries or restructuring your days or routines may create more space for the activities that restore your vitality and make life wonderful.
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how_balanced_is_your_life__2_.pdf
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A Well-Rounded Approach to Better Sleep

5/10/2023

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Stress and anxiety are some emotional experiences strongly correlated with sleeplessness. Grief, loneliness, and excitement also have a strong impact on our quality of sleep. According to Cognitive Behavioral Theory, our feelings are activated by the thoughts and beliefs we focus on. So the feelings listed above are brought on by the active and latent thoughts you bring with you to bed.
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People who experience insomnia for a period of time sometimes develop anxiety around sleep itself, on top of their other life stresses. They may be painfully aware of every passing minute they’re not sleeping, thinking ceaselessly about how tired they will be the next day. They may start to lose confidence in their ability to sleep, and blame their failure to sleep for the other problems they’re facing. They can develop bedroom phobias and start avoiding the bedroom and sleep altogether, to stop feeling like a failure.

So how does one clear their mind and calm their heart before crawling under the covers?

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Calm the body first
  1. Give yourself a foot or hand massage before bed. Consciously relax the tension in the muscles of your shoulders, neck, and back.
  2. Yawning helps your nervous system relax. If you fake a yawn, a real one will usually follow.
  3. Follow a brief "bedtime yoga" video to stretch and relax your body.
  4. Use essential oils like lavender, chamomile, bergamot, jasmine, rose, and sandalwood to enhance a feeling of peace. Dab a couple drops on your wrists, neck, or pillow. Or you can add them to a warm, relaxing bath before bed.
  5. Eliminate blue light from screens at least 30 minutes before bedtime. Read a paper book with a soft glow reading light or close your eyes and enjoy the darkness. Use an eye mask if your room isn’t dark enough.
  6. Slow, mindful, deep breathing from the diaphragm lowers cortisol levels, reducing stress. Slow your breathing down, take deep belly breaths and exhale for a little longer than you inhale. 
  7. Sleep for the season, with appropriate, breathable pajamas, bed sheets, and blankets.
  8. Weighted blankets induce a feeling of safety and calm in your body. They can be worn over your body while you sleep, but they can be hot, so people in warmer climates might use them to relax and then remove them to sleep. 
  9. Adjust the temperature in your bedroom between 60° and 67° F. This range of temperature is thought to help facilitate the stability of REM sleep.
  10. Moderate to vigorous exercise helps initiate and maintain restful sleep. Be sure to exercise in the morning or afternoon to cooperate with your circadian rhythms and keep your sleep time on track.
     
Curate your mental activity
  1. As you’re getting ready for bed, consciously turn your attention away from the day’s activity and toward how good it will feel to sleep. Get into bed mindfully, consciously feeling the sheets and blankets, experiencing the pillow under your head, and imagining melting into the mattress like a stick of butter in the sun.
  2. Drown out anxious thoughts with peaceful sounds. Green, brown, and pink noise are effective at inducing sleep. Try each one to find out which is most soothing for you. Nature sounds such as ocean waves and rainstorms can also be calming. Use the timer function to ensure the sound ends after a short time so that it doesn’t interrupt your sleep.
  3. Follow a guided sleep meditation to focus your mind on peaceful thoughts.
  4. Write a bedtime mantra to repeat to yourself as you relax into sleep. One example is “Everything is ok, I am safe”.
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Ease your emotions
  1. Place a hand on your heart, take a slow breath, and smile. Feel a sense of peace wash over you from head to toe.
  2. Cross your hands in front of your chest and hook your thumbs together, palms facing you. Slowly tap your chest, alternating sides, right left right left. Close your eyes and smile.
  3. Hum soft, gentle notes as a lullaby to yourself. The vibration of humming soothes the nervous system. Chanting the word "Ohm" or "Voo" has the same effect.
  4. Snuggle with a live or stuffed-toy animal or a pillow. Tell yourself you are safe and happy.
  5. If you have someone to hug before bedtime, be sure to take advantage of the calming power of co-regulation. 
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GRAPES—Small bites for robust mental health

4/1/2023

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Embracing a healthy lifestyle is valuable for reasons beyond general health and body aesthetics. Did you know exposure to sunlight creates dopamine? That spending pleasant time with others regulates your nervous system? That positive self-talk is the best medicine for anxiety?

For various reasons, some days, weeks, and months it can be difficult to tend to our basic needs on a regular basis. During especially stressful or low periods, we need extra support and strategy to do the basic things that keep us fueled up.  The GRAPES acronym helps us remember the critical activities to include every day. Even if you spend only one minute on each one, it will support your physical and mental health and move you closer to better days.
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G is for Gentle with self. Catch any self-critical or disparaging thoughts your brain is producing and shift them to a more positive perspective. For example, instead of calling yourself lazy for being a couch potato, affirm your need for rest and sink into it.

R is for Rest and sleep. Remember that your brain actually requires regular rest periods. Overall, it has two main modes of processing: 1) active, working mode and 2) default mode. The Default Mode Network (DMN) switches on whenever your mind takes a break, zones out, or has a pleasant daydream. Spending time in your DMN every day is critical for learning, memory, and problem-solving. So let’s banish the voice in our heads that tells us we need to be productive every minute and that relaxation is a form of laziness. Taking breaks makes us stronger, smarter, and happier! And remember that everything improves with a long, uninterrupted night's sleep.

A is for Accomplishment. Take care of at least one thing on your list every day. If you're in a very low energy space, it can be something small. But taking some form of action keeps you connected with your life and mentally engaged.

P is for Physical Activity. We don't need to call it exercise. Move your body for 10-15 minutes, preferable outside if possible. Breathe some fresh air, oxygenate your insides.

E is for Eat. Be sure to nourish yourself throughout the day. If you can include fresh foods with vitamins, protein, and fiber, all the better. There are two rules I try to follow: 1) whenever you eat, eat a fruit or vegetable. So either include a fruit or vegetable in your meal, or if you're just having a snack, make it a fruit or veg. 2) Whenever you drink, drink water. If you're going to have a coffee, soda, or other flavored beverage, have a full glass of water first.

S is for Social. Try not to fully isolate yourself. Keep in touch with your support network or social circle. Greet people you pass while walking. Meet with your therapist, doctor, or mentor. Interact with friends through games or social media. Social connections are imperative to robust mental health.



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Task Paralysis, Hyperfocus, and Procrastination (Stop calling yourself lazy)

3/31/2023

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Task Paralysis is the sensation of knowing you have something to do, wanting to do it, and absolutely not being able to move your body to get started. This is a real experience even though people who don’t struggle with it really can't understand it.

Hyperfocus is getting in the zone, being in flow, achieving a zen state. It’s magical and creative when it doesn’t conflict with other activities. The downside is that sometimes we hyperfocus to the exclusion of self-care, time frames, and others’ expectations.

Procrastination for AD/HDers creates a state of urgency that allows us to tackle an unpleasant task and power through to get it done. Our high intelligence and competence shine through in these moments, but the toll these bursts take on our energy, health, and mindset is significant.
The AD/HD nervous system likes novelty, fun, and creativity. These qualities can initiate hyperfocus, whereas tasks lacking these traits can lead to paralysis and procrastination.

PRESCRIPTION #1:  Make it fun! Find a way to inject a bit of fun, silliness, or creativity into a project. Put dance music on to clean the kitchen. Eat three M&Ms after each small computer task. Use stickers or emojis to decorate your daily schedule.


Breaking away from a hyperfocus can be a supreme challenge. It requires extraordinary amounts of executive functioning to stop when in the grips of an engaging activity. Sometimes we may intensely focus on something challenging, to the point of frustration and dysregulation. Or we may unintentionally ignore people or tasks that also need our attention.

PRESCRIPTION #2:  Rip the Velcro! This is my analogy for the feeling of pulling yourself out of a hyperfocus. How many times and in which situations do you say to yourself “Just one more”? Each one of us needs to find our own method for breaking the spell. Changing your body state is a good start. 
  • Physically move your body
  • Sing a song out loud
  • Talk yourself through your next steps, out loud
  • Take a deep breath all the way to your tailbone
  • Move your eyes side to side, up and down, and in circles
  • Pass an item back and forth between your hands, tracking it with your eyes


People who experience these challenges are not lazy or careless. These are real neurological phenomena that we can work to manage, but which are deeply ingrained in our nervous systems’ design and function. Tending to our health and wellbeing provides us with the highest energy level with which to address these challenges. Following a routine that incorporates all the basic self-care categories provides a solid foundation for daily functioning.

PRESCRIPTION #3:  Sleep, hydrate, exercise, and eat well. Review each of these areas to ensure you are doing them well every day. Resolve any issues that get in the way of:
  1. Getting a full night’s sleep (preferably uninterrupted)
  2. Drinking full glasses of water throughout the day
  3. Exercising enough to feel your heartbeat (preferably at least 10 minutes)
  4. Eating fresh foods high in vitamins, protein, and fiber


Self-compassion
Mistakes happen. All the time. We tell our children that it’s ok to make mistakes because that’s how they learn. But we don’t always extend ourselves the same grace. For some reason we believe as adults we’re supposed to know everything and not mess up anymore. Ha! What a bunch of hooey!
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You can change your self-talk around mistakes or missteps. Instead of calling yourself names and assigning mean adjectives to yourself, say “Doing ____ was a mistake and I will keep trying to do better”. Spend a short period of time planning for how to avoid the same mistake in the future and then let it go. You don’t deserve to carry around bad feelings because of a human foible. Everyone has them.

For more support with AD/HD and other mental health topics, visit Humanest.
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Getting and Staying Organized with AD/HD

3/31/2023

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Losing things, forgetting appointments, waiting til the last minute, feeling overwhelmed by too much to do… sound familiar? I imagine you’ve been encouraged to “get organized” since your earliest memories, if not by parents then by teachers. You’ve been taught lots of different systems and forced to do things someone else’s way. Now that you’re fully grown, you have the double-edged sword of “getting to” and “having to” figure out and implement your own organizational system. 

Unfortunately, life is too complicated to manage without some kind of system. That could be the Notes app on your phone, Google Calendar, a paper or whiteboard to-do list, a spiral or leatherbound organizer, or anything else you can imagine. But we all need something to keep track of all the stuff we need to get done.

When making lists, remember to break tasks down into tiny parts. For example, instead of listing the single task of “Prepare for garage sale”, identify three specific tasks to get started: 
  • move table from garage
  • sort one box
  • get $1 bills from the store

​We also need a method for moving through the tasks on our list. You might find that different days call for different methods. It’s good to have a few systems in your mental file folder to help structure your work flow. Here are some organization systems to consider:

Task Multiplication/Puttering. AD/HDers tend to be naturals at this. Flitting from one task to the next with a flexible time frame and no extreme urgency. It can be really satisfying to take your time and move gently through small chores and tasks as they come to your attention or as they present themselves. This is especially useful for tasks that don’t require intense thought and can be paired with music, podcasts, or audiobooks.

​The Eisenhower Matrix. This is a simple tool to help group and prioritize your tasks. Its graphic nature appeals to the AD/HD brain. The strategy identifies tasks according to how important and urgent they are.
  • Tasks that help you achieve meaningful goals are important. 
    • Choosing a graduate school is an important task. 
    • Planning the menu for your family holiday dinner is important.
  • Tasks that need to be done in a very short time frame, and which will have serious consequences if not completed, are urgent. 
    • Submitting grad school applications is urgent if the deadline is midnight and you’re not done yet. 
    • Cooking the food for your family dinner is urgent if they are showing up in an hour.
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Using the Eisenhower Matrix, tasks are placed into one of four categories: 
  1. Tasks you will DO are both important and urgent.
  2. Tasks can be PLANNED if they are important but not urgent. The key is to schedule these tasks so they aren’t pushed off the pile and forgotten.
  3. Tasks can be DELEGATED if they are urgent but it’s not important for you to do them personally.
  4. Tasks can be DELETED if they don’t qualify as either urgent or important.


The Ivy Lee Method. Plan your day in the morning or the night before. Here is the process:
  1. Write down the six most important tasks you need to accomplish during the day. Prioritize them from most to least important. It might be useful to combine this with your Eisenhower Matrix to help with prioritizing.
  2. When you’re ready, start with the first task. Complete that task before moving on to the next. 
  3. At the end of the day, any unfinished tasks will move to the top of the next day’s list. Add new tasks so that your list always contains six action items.

Project Division. When you have a big project with a due date out in the future, you may be tempted to ignore it in favor of tasks that are due sooner. We all know how that feels the night before the deadline! In order to avoid that stress, you can do some easy math and create a manageable plan for your project.
  1. First, break the project down into small steps, as we’ve already discussed. If the project is huge, just identify the first ten small steps. 
  2. If this seems like about half of the project, you can guess there may be twenty total steps. 
  3. Now divide the number of estimated steps by the number of days until the deadline. If you have fourteen days and fourteen steps, you only need to complete one step per day! If you have five days to complete the first ten steps, complete two steps per day to stay on track. 
  4. This system provides a motivational dopamine boost as well as reduced anxiety as you work toward your goal rather than leaving it in the back of your mind until alarm bells start ringing.​
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Extend yourself compassion

Completing a long list of tasks or a big project can be a grueling and thrilling experience. We get bursts of energizing neurochemicals from the challenge of finishing a daunting task. It’s not unusual to feel depleted, down, and even depressed after a success. As the chemical rush wears off, mental and physical exhaustion often step in. Sometimes anxiety joins the party, as we critique our own work and wonder if we did our best. This can be a surprising experience, as we might expect to feel elated and self-satisfied.

Feeling down after accomplishing something significant calls for a big dose of self-compassion. Care for your emotions by allowing them to come and go naturally. Care for your body with good food, comfort, and rest. Care for your spirit by laughing or connecting with someone you enjoy.

For more support with AD/HD and other mental health topics, visit Humanest.
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Daily Insight: Making Sense of Humans

10/18/2022

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I believe everyone has a good reason for the things they do. Their reason may only make sense in their own mind, but the driving force behind their decisions makes good sense to them. I believe this and I try to remember it in traffic and while watching the news.

Humans aren’t as complex as they seem. A simple formula explains a process we all go through thousands of times a day. When we watch ourselves closely, we can see this formula come to life:
  1. We experience something. Let’s use the example of someone sneezing near us.
  2. A thought or deep belief is activated in us. When someone sneezes, we might think “Oh gee, they’re sick. I don’t want to get sick.”
  3. Our thought or deep belief generates an emotion. I feel afraid of getting sick, worried about catching something.
  4. We have an automatic physical reaction. My muscles tense and I start looking for a way to put distance between myself and the sneezer.
  5. We have an opportunity to make a thoughtful response considering the first four steps. I excuse myself politely and move away.
  6. We have a new experience. Now I’m over here and have new things to think about.

The magic of this formula becomes evident when the same experience elicits a different thought. It shows how powerful our thoughts and deep beliefs can be.
  1. Someone sneezes near me.
  2. I think, “Oh wow, someone has allergies. What a bummer for them.”
  3. I feel frustration in empathy because I also have allergies and have been sneezing a lot.
  4. My face shifts into an expression of concern.
  5. I find a pack of tissues in my bag and offer the person one.
  6. They smile and thank me, I feel good and the interaction continues.

Here is a different example to illustrate the influence of a deep belief.
  1. I see a spider in the garden.
  2. My history has me convinced that all spiders are deadly.
  3. I feel instant terror.
  4. My body goes into flight mode and I drop everything and run away.
  5. I stay inside and call an exterminator and refuse to go back outside until all the spiders have been eradicated.
  6. Now I’m stuck in the house.
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This formula highlights the power of our thoughts and deep beliefs over the decisions we make and the actions we take. People whose actions aren’t producing the desired results may benefit from exploring their thoughts and beliefs, the feelings they produce, and the reactions and responses they make as a result.
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Daily Insight: Being Woke for Older Folks

10/17/2022

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Being “woke” is both an insult and an aspiration. Too much of a good thing always leads to some kind of intestinal distress, but the intention behind this maligned term is evolutionarily valuable. If the human race is to survive this current round of ugliness, we need to wield the dual weapons of awareness and wisdom. Being woke refers to acknowledging and rejecting the beliefs and practices that hurt and oppress humans. So if you are a devout bigot, racist, or oppressor, you most certainly collude with trashing the idea of being woke. If you prefer not to carry those titles, becoming woke is actually quite achievable. 

The simple prescription? Embrace the new. 

People over thirty-five are automatically lumped into the category of “Boomer” by those who birthed the concept of wokeness. Humans have an undeniable affinity for tradition and “the good old days”, no matter how good they actually were. Those who refuse to stay young and engaged will find themselves fighting for outdated and useless ways of being. They start voting against their own best interests when they refuse to pay attention to the young people with their fingers on the pulse of culture and activism. 
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So for Pete’s sake, get TikTok, follow some smart people on YouTube, keep current on NetFlix. Listen to your kids, grandkids, and other young people. Ask them questions and resist teasing, lecturing, or comparing their experience to yours. Consider yourself lucky if they talk to you honestly, and don’t waste the opportunity to appreciate their perspective. When you notice the little door to new experience closing in your heart and mind, resist. Open it back up and listen. Be present and current and woke.

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Daily Insight: The Reverse I Statement

10/14/2022

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In therapy circles, the "I Statement" reigns supreme. Our first interpersonal psych classes taught us this method for helping people communicate their feelings in a concise, healthy way: "I feel (an emotion), when (a certain thing happens), because (why it matters to you)." We learned it, we practiced it, and most of us kinda forgot about it. It's one of those skills that is simple to say but not easy to do, and even harder to convince clients to use in their own lives.

Today I was pondering a way to stay neutral when receiving a message that feels like criticism. Many of us have an instant reaction when we think we've done something wrong and our nervous systems respond as though we're in Big Trouble. Common emotional responses are guilty apologizing, shrinking in fear or shame, puddling into sad tears, or angrily avoiding the conversation.

Maybe if we have a healthier, more assertive approach at the ready, we won't need to sink into any of these uncomfortable responses. Behold, the Reverse I Statement! With this approach, we can look the other in the eye, rather than feeling inferior or unworthy. And we can say: "I heard you say that when I (my action), you felt (an emotion), because (their interpretation of the event)". Then stop talking. Let them respond to your statement-- they will likely either agree or correct you. Continue rephrasing what you hear them say until you have achieved complete understanding of their concern. No apologies, no tears, no shouting.

Once the other has been heard, they will likely be more receptive to hearing your side of the story. Now you can swoop in with an I Statement of your own, or something simpler if you need more time to process your thoughts and feelings. It's perfectly ok to ask to return to the conversation after you've had some time to collect your thoughts.
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Many of us struggle to find the right words when we're not prepared for a conversation, so the Reverse I Statement can come to our rescue by taking the pressure off us to come up with just the right response. Try it out and share your thoughts in the comments!
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